Steven Wright and Deep Thoughts


More imponderables...

 

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your twocents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread tobegin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a personwho drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

> Could it be that "I do," is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergyment defrocked, doesn't it follow

> that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,

> models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in

> the universe, you'll believe it, but if you're told a wall has wet

> paint, you'll have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from

> Holland called "Holes?"


Steven Wright

 

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

 

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only

endangered plants?

 

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

 

Is it possible to be totally partial?

 

What's another word for thesaurus?

 

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

 

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

 

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone

will

clean them?

 

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

 

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights

off?

 

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

 

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right

to remain silent?

 

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

 

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

 

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

 

Deep Thoughts Contest

 

-- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep

Thoughts by Jack Handey"

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

 

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we

get buried

under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should

have told

him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I

didn't

want to upset him.

 

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,

like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot

of people

voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the

long

weekends.

 

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting

just

any old yokel vote.

 

Home is where the house is.

 

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.

That

is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

 

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a

few

minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a

couple of days

saved up.

 

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.

No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the

blood would

be right there.

 

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept

the

things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

 

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who

think it

odd that I drive without pants.

 

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.

Then

the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.

That's what

happens to cheese when you leave it out.

 

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then,

imagine if you

had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest

number you

could come up with!

 

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

 

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe

"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't

is

morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

 

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had

no feet.

So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,

right?

 

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better

have

lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

 

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why

I

don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash

clothes on the last day of their life?

 

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some

people

think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.

 

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think

about

the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

 

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add

the

words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

 

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.

Then

I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his

stuff.

Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

 

THIRD RUNNER UP

 

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.

I imagine that

the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water

for

some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population

gets

more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was

a big

fire and everyone died.

 

SECOND RUNNER UP

 

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."

Unless it was

just a lawn mower.

 

FIRST RUNNER UP

 

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,

at

which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine

they

appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over

one's

right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I

tell

Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,

and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that

we have found

many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.

I get

a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.

We spend

the rest of the night lighting farts.

 

WINNER

 

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world

peace

for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting

started.


More Steven Wright

 

big picture

 

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

 

 

banks

 

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

 

 

museums

 

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

 

 

restaurants

 

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

 

 

stores

 

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

 

 

appliances

 

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

 

 

telephones

 

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

 

 

apartments

 

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

 

 

houses

 

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

 

 

cars and driving

 

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

 

 

sleeping

 

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

 

socks

 

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

 

records

 

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

 

fishing

 

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

 

dogs

 

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

 

chemistry

 

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool)... I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

 

childhood

 

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

 

not-all-there

 

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

 

suicide

 

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

 

books

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

miscellaneous one-liners

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I lost a button hole today.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I washed mud, off of mud.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

miscellaneous

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on

the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. ..."We're surrounded."

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five

I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.


Rod Schmidt's contribution to the Quaalude state.

 

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

 

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

 

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of

grass.

 

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

 

I had amnesia once or twice.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the

holes bigger.

 

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

 

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it

back.

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to

everybody on the list.

 

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

 

The sky is falling. The sun is rising.

 

The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.

 

The sky already fell. Now what?

 

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky

must get awfully crowded.

 

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

 

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become

disoriented?

 

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

 

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

 

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

 

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't

see any forests.

 

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

 

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old

lady had to help me across the street.

 

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're

Shakespeare?

 

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...

 

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.

Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

 

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

 

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

 

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

 

I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I

said, "I'll need some friends".

 

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all

day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

 

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

 

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

 

 

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you

making?" "A salt lick."

 

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

 

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

 

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

 

Is "tired old cliche" one?

 

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

 

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

 

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

 

 

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

 

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

 

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

 

 

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

 

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

 

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

 

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was

none of my business.

 

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.

Every crime ends with a sentence.

 

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By

the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

 

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.

They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of

play-dough.

 

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit

gum.

 

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

 

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

 

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

 

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa

Claus is missing.

 

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,

"Don't I know you?"

 

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

 

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I

can ride a unicycle.

 

my life is an open book. but some of the pages are missing.

 

my sheepdog turned into a werewolf. but you couldn't tell.

 

i gathered some moss once. i took it to a rolling stones concert.

i figured they didn't know what it looked like.

 

i saw a sign somewhere that said "Trash Can". that's so empowering.

 

i rolled a joint with flypaper. now i can get twice as high.

 

i washed my yard today. it was getting dirty.

 

when prince charming drank champagne out of cinderella's slipper, everyone

thought it was great. but when he started to eat off her glove they

realized he'd just had too much to drink.

 

i took a midget to play miniature golf. before every shot/swing he'd yell

"Three!"


QUESTIONS TO PONDER...

 

* Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and

drive?

* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the

doors?

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,

what would happen?

* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn

on the headlights?

* You know how most packages say "Open here, well what is the protocol if the

package says, open somewhere else"?

* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,

but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* You heard of the little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why

can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down

the volume on the radio?


IMPONDERABLES

 

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

 

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

 

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

 

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

 

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

 

Is it possible to be totally partial?

 

What's another word for thesaurus?

 

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

 

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

 

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

 

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

 

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

 

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

 

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?

 

What is the speed of dark?

 

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

 

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

 

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

 

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

 

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

 

What's another word for synonym?

 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

 

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

How can there be self-help groups?

 

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

 

Why do we park in the driveway, and drive on the parkway?

 

Why do they call them apartments, when they're so close together?

 

Why do they call them buildings, when they're already built?


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