Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You
choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby whiny, worthless opinion would be...?
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to
go?
John's Jokes ( a VERY LARGE alphabetized listing)
Bumper Stickers
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Alcohol and Calculus Don't Mix.
Don't Drink and Derive!
All generalizations are false.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Artificial Intelligence beats real stupidity.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I put it in Reverse?
Bad Cop! No donut!
Ban abortion, eat your young instead!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes straight to the bone.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beware of geeks bearing GIFs.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Born free...Taxed to death.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
By the time you've made ends meet, they've moved the ends.
Cancer cures smoking.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Cats... the other white meat..
Caution: I drive like you do
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Death to all fanatics!
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can find a rock.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive anyway.
Don't take this personally, but shut up. Just shut up.
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Eschew obfuscation.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Exxon Suxx.
Familiarity breeds children.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Focus on your own damn family!
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget the Joneses, I can't keep up with the Simpsons.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God is Real, unless explicitly declared Integer...
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do..
Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
Guillotine operator wanted. Chance to get ahead.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hang up and drive!
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Honk if I have slept with your husband.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you're horny... pull over if you mean it.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How'd you get your driver's license, a close relative die?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am NOT a NUMBER! I am a DEMOGRAPHIC!
I brake for no apparent reason.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in the last life, why should I in this one?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ..
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
If God had intended us to run around naked, He'd have created us that way!
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If ignorance is bliss, you should be orgasmic.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If you are psychic--think "HONK."
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't STAND for SOMETHING, you'll FALL for ANYTHING
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I is a college student.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off..
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not prejudiced; I hate everyone equally.
I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
I'm Pro-choice, because the last thing I need is more idiots to piss me off.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen..
i souport publik edekashun.
Is there life before coffee?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It works better if you plug it in.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life -- then it broke.
I used to live in the real world, but I got evicted.
I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exaggerating.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
Jesus paid for our sins... now let's get our money's worth
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is a series of dashing and adventurous crises.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Monday is a hell of a way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
My kid had sex with your honor student
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
My other wife is beautiful.
My sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never, never, never, never repeat.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No radio -- Already stolen.
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
Nothing can spoil a good weekend like a Monday.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Nuke the unborn baby whales for Jesus.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Okay - who's been messing with my anti-paranoia medications?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pardon my driving - I am reloading.
Piss off a Liberal ... work for a living.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Procrastinate now!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Rehab is for quitters.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Serve Jesus:
1.Preheat oven to 350
2.Bake for 1 1/2 hours or until golden brown
3.Enjoy!
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Show respect for age: drink good Scotch.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
So many stupid people... so few comets.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Spell-checkers are hear two stay.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Tell me to 'stuff it' -- I'm a taxidermist.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more things change, the more they remain insane.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
The road to success is always under construction.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ease with which you can reach it.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.
This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt -- in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Who cares who's on board?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
My child was "Inmate of the month", at the California Youth
Correctional Facility.
SOME MORE BUMPER STICKERS
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Clones are people two.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Eschew obfuscation.
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
Honk If You Love HANSON - Then Hit A Tree!